Look Up

Have you seen this video? It's powerful - and in a much more eloquent way, describes what I was trying to say yesterday.

I've been thinking about establishing some rules for my iPhone and technology in general -- I just don't want to be a slave to my gadgets and the interwebs. Maybe no phone on Sundays, or social media in the evenings after 6? I think it's really important to be present. On that note, I am off to the dog park, and I'm leaving my phone behind. :)

The power of vulnerability

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed this week. Our refrigerator is broken, I'm tired, and there is so much grading to do. I have a lot to be thankful for and I realize it, but at the same time, coming back from vacation is hard. Anyway, I really love this TED Talk by Brene Brown. It reminds me that we're all in this human struggle together. If you haven't seen it, it's a must. Watch 'til the very end.

   

Your Birth Order Personality

{the younger set of kids}

My eldest sister Barbie and I are conspiring to do something for our parents' 50th Anniversary this summer and after hearing from her this week, I got to thinking about birth order and personalities. I am one of seven children, but there is a ten year gap between the four older kids and me and my younger twin brothers. So, it's almost like we are two different families, or sets, with the same parents. As the youngest girl, but the oldest of the younger set, I sort of identify as a firstborn personality. Even though I'm only 13 months older than my brothers, my parents always put me in charge when we were growing up, so I was always the responsible one. Like Barbie (who really is the firstborn), I tend to be the organizer and while she is more the matriarch, I am sort of the secretary. I can see my other siblings' roles, too: we have a rebel, an entertainer, a peace-maker, a giver, and a baby. Family dynamics are so interesting!

For fun, I took this birth order personality quiz and it ranked me as a first born child's personality. I knew it!

Also, I might be the last person in America still watching Parenthood, but it's all about family dynamics, which is why I love it.

Empathy

I'm not back in the classroom yet but since my hard drive got wiped out, I've been sifting through all my documents in an effort to re-create soft copies (backed up!), slowly piecing my classes back together. This afternoon I stumbled upon a worksheet that highlights this video, an animated short I showed my classes when we were talking about the difference between empathy and sympathy. It's an important lesson about not getting stuck in the sympathy trap, not trying to "silver line" everything for someone who is hurting, but instead being vulnerable enough to connect with something in yourself that knows their feeling. It's just 3 minutes and is funny, moving, and totally worth watching.

Deck Your Halls

Sociologists look for meaning in the mundane. Our study of the quotidian brings into focus the unremarkable, and gives it explanation and perspective. So last night we drove to Christmas Circle and were delighted by the lights, the baubles, and the spectacle. On the ride home, I got to to thinking about the sociology of decking our proverbial halls, but more specifically, the outside of our houses, and why we do it. Our street, for example, is a microcosm of every creed, habit, socioeconomic level, and attitude you could imagine. We've got cholos on our right, Ethiopian immigrants to the left and WASPy, BMW-driving lawyers in front. Regardless of these differences, each house is lit up with some manner of holiday decoration - from the simple wreath on the door, to the spectacle of lights rivaling the one in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Why? Because wintry displays are a symbol to your neighbors that you value merry-making. If there was ever a time to show off your classiest or gaudiest display of lights, it's the darkest time of the year. Your glittering lawn ornaments say something to your neighbors that you might not be able to say in person, like:

"It's dark. It's cold. But we'll get through this together: you, me, and the 20-foot inflatable snowman on my roof."

Neighborhood holiday decorations remind us that even though the days are short and the nights freezing, there's a glimmer of hope, a symbol of solidarity, and a silent wish that you, too, enjoy the season.

Kiva

Last night's Advent calendar activity was to PUT A TWINKLE IN SOMEONE'S EYE, and I'm excited we donated to Kiva. Each year we try to pick a new organization to support and I've heard about Kiva for so long I'm glad we went with them. In a nutshell, you make a $25 microloan to someone who needs it - like a young Bolivian woman for her school tuition, or a Ugandan farmer in need of more dairy cows. Then, when the borrower repays the loan, you lend the money out to someone else, so it's the gift that keeps on giving. The coolest part: They have a 99% repay rate and $2.5 million has been lent out just this week. Awesome.

All the borrowers are worthy, so it took us about an hour to choose. In the end, we decided to support a young Kenyan woman who sells tea leaves and wants to use her anticipated profits to build a school. Wouldn't it be a nice gift to donate in someone's name? Especially for that friend who already has everything. 'Tis better to give than to receive.

Work-Life Balance

{The gateway drug}

Flavio and I are leaning more in the direction of having kids - though we're not 100% sure we will, or if we do, when. It's exciting and scary. I know Flavio would be an absolutely amazing father and as I wrote in this post, parenting Guiri has been the gateway drug that's gotten us thinking about the rewards of children. One of my biggest reservations about parenting, though, is how to maintain a work-life balance after children.

When we were visiting my parents this summer, my mom told me she'd always struggled to find a healthy equilibrium between her personal and professional lives. When my brothers and I were young, my mom worked more than full time as a very successful administrator. I have always had so much respect for her - she is still at the top of her field and is a smart, hard-working woman. My dad is a very successful engineer who owns his own business and who spent much of my childhood traveling for work. My brothers and I had a longterm Irish nanny named Finola who was basically our second mother, and the three of us were in every afterschool program and extracurricular activity one could imagine because my parents were both working. I always knew my mother loved her work, so I was surprised to hear her recent confession that she wished she would have worked less, and instead, had lived more.  Profound words, no? She described the excitement of moving up quickly in her field, but said her advancement was always clouded with the sadness of missing some of our childhood milestones and family time.

So here's my dilemma: I love working and am afraid if we have a baby, I'll be unhappy staying home. But, I can barely leave Guiri home alone to go to work, and I know I wouldn't be happy leaving a tiny baby in daycare. After reading numerous studies on socialization and nurturing, I think the mother should be home with the baby for at least the first two years, if possible. And after, there is great value in daycare and preschool for young children. But, teaching higher-ed is so competitive in San Diego and I'm afraid leaving my job for a couple years would be professional suicide. So, true to nerdy form, I've been doing some research. How do women in the US do it? Is staying home for more than the measly six weeks of maternity leave professional suicide? Would I be unhappy and bored as a stay-at-home mom? I started googling and found this fascinating article/study on working women who opted out of the work force to stay home with their children. Ten years later, the sociologist checked back in with these women to see if leaving the workforce in favor of maternity had been the right choice for them. Most of these women eventually went back to work for varying reasons, and the article, citing various studies, sadly confirms that US women still can't "have it all"in terms of simultaneous employment and motherhood. Women who choose to leave the workforce to take care of their children are mostly shut out of high-powered jobs and upward mobility. Women who choose to stay in the workforce miss out on time with their children. Bah, it's all so depressing.  I think I'll have to move to Norway, with its 10 months of maternity leave at 100% pay, if I want to "have it all." The article did offer a glimmer of hope, though, as it seemed to reveal a formula for happiness and balance that struck me as a possible answer. The author writes:

 " ...Not a single woman I spoke with said she wished that she could return to her old, pre-opting out job -- no matter what price she paid for her decision to stop working. What I heard instead were some regrets for what might have been -- more time with their children, combined with some sort of intellectually stimulating, respectably paying, advancement-permitting part-time work."

Part-time work: Is that the key to balancing work and life as a mother? Certainly my career would suffer as there are plenty of other instructors chomping at the bit to get into the college system, and financially it would be tough, but maybe we'd be happier that way. It's a formula to think about, at least. As is moving to Scandinavia. :)

Not really related, but I found this article while researching and it's fascinating! American parents seem to no longer believe kids should do chores.

Lost in Translation

It was mostly a chore-filled weekend, so I'm sure none of you are dying to see photos from my trip to Costco, etc. I'm lesson planning on this Sunday evening, so I thought I'd pop in and nerd out on a little sociology. Bear with me here - I think language is fascinating.

In sociology we teach a concept called the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis, which suggests that language predisposes us to see the world in a certain way, and that the words we use are symbols that reveal much about our particular cultures, lifestyles, and values. To illustrate this concept, I show my students untranslatable words from other countries. Then we work together to determine what the unique norms and values of these cultures are, considering they use particular words that English can't identify. Artist Ella Frances Sanders illustrates untranslatable words and their meanings, and they are just wonderful...

You can see more of these lovely words here. 

I hope your weekend was filled with sobremesa, komorebi, waldeinsamkeit, mangata, or something else enchanting and untranslatable. 

Taboo

On Sunday we went to a super fun picnic at Mission Bay and while there, something struck me as totally taboo. A friend-of-a-friend, six months pregnant, was drinking a can of beer. As the day went on, she chased the beer with multiple cans of soda. When someone gave her a hard time about the beer she jokingly said, "Shut up! Don't judge me!" Flavio and I were definitely judging. I know having a little alcohol or soda while pregnant is not the end of the world for the health of the baby, but why do it? It's 9 months of your life - why not be the healthiest you can be for your unborn child's sake? It struck me as selfish and sort of upsetting.

Update: Sept. 23 - I just heard this story on NPR. Studies show experiences in the womb affect a child's longterm health. Mothers, your lifestyle and nutritional choices matter. 

I try not to be a Judgy McJudger, but here are a few other things I find taboo:

Kissing family members on the mouth. We do NOT do this in my family and I find it sort of horrifying. Maaaaybe ok to kiss babies on the mouth, but not adult-to-adult family members. Ever.

Keeping reading material in the bathroom. It weirds me out when we go to someone's house and there is a book or a stack of magazines in the bathroom. I mean, how much time are you spending in there? I think it's strange and I'd never want to touch another person's bathroom reading material - Eww! Flavio thinks I'm nuts.

Making out in public. Maybe I'm prudish, but a kiss or a loving embrace in public is fine but there should be absolutely no tongue, no groping, no long make-out sessions in public! So creepy. I find overt PDAs especially upsetting when the couple is post-teen years.

Hope I haven't offended you, dear reader! :/ Different strokes for different folks. :)

{Best party game EVER.)

The Best Chocolate Chip Cookies...Ever.

Best chocolate chip cookies in the world. Full stop. And I'm not the only one who thinks so. David Leite, who set out to find the consummate chocolate chip cookie by speaking to all manner of baking experts, came up with this recipe deemed "perfection" in his entertaining New York Times article. And he is correct. Every time I've made these (which is more times than I'd like to admit), they have come out plump and nubbly with chewy centers and crispy edges, cracked on the top and tasting of caramelized butter-chocolate heaven. The clincher is their subtle sprinkle of sea salt on top before baking; it just makes these babies sing.  This is your classic chocolate chip cookie but with a complexity and depth of flavor that always prompts their lucky recipients to beg for the recipe and/or another cookie. There are some tricks to making these right, and they require patience, but I promise they are worth the 36 - 48 hours of self-control. I skip the recipe's recommendation to use chocolate disks, or fèves - mainly because I'm just not that fancy and because I think there is something nostalgic about regular chocolate chips, but otherwise, I follow the Leite's instructions exactly. If/when you make them, make sure to do the following: Bring butter to room temperature before starting, let the dough chill for 36 - 48 hours in the fridge (I went the full 48 this time and they were magnificent), use the mix of cake and bread flours as the recipe instructs - it does something magical, and give away as many as possible if you want to fit into your pants in the morning. I have to confess that I have overdosed on these, and can't be trusted alone with them. I enjoyed a couple this afternoon with a glass of cold milk and have the rest packed up for delivery to friends and co-workers. If you love chocolate chip cookies and are left alone with a batch of these, be prepared to do something immoderate. Don't say I didn't warn you. 

PS: Way more important than chocolate chip cookies, Miley Cyrus, and most other silly things occupying my brain space is the anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.'s I Have a Dream speech. I played it in my classes today and each time, students and I were moved to tears. It is still so raw and relevant, 50 years later. 

An Innie or an Outie?

I always considered myself an extrovert, and my Myers-Briggs typology has repeatedly revealed me to be one, but this recent article in the Huffington Post has me thinking otherwise. According to Huff-Po, the following are 23 telltale signs you are an innie:

1. You find small talk cumbersome.
2. You go to parties, not to meet people, but to hang out with people you already know.
3. You feel alone in a crowd.
4. Networking makes you feel like a phony.
5. You've been called "too intense."
6. You're easily distracted.
7. Downtime doesn't feel unproductive to you.
8. Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people afterwards.
9. When you sit on a subway, you sit at the end of the bench, instead of the middle.
10. You shut down (feel tired and unresponsive) after being active for too long.
11. You're in a relationship with an extrovert.
12. You'd rather be an expert at one thing than try to do everything.
13. You avoid shows that require audience participation.
14. You screen all your calls - even from friends.
15. You notice details others don't.
16. You have a constantly running inner monologue.
17. You have low blood pressure.
18. You've been called an "old soul" - since your 20s.
19. You don't feel "high" from your surroundings, like a rock concert, etc.
20. You are detail-oriented but also like to look at the big, abstract picture.
21. You've been told to "come out of your shell."
22. You're a writer.
23. You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity - i.e., you need to recover by being alone after too much social interaction. 

Surprisingly to me, I can say yes to half of them, #s:  7, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, 15, 17, 20, 22, and 23.

Introverts are in good company. Here is a list of 16 outrageously successful introverts, including Abraham Lincoln, Christina Aguilera, and the very chatty George Stephanopoulos.

{Photo: Flavio hiking, Big Sur 2012}

Mr. & Mr. Bert-Ernie?

Now that the Supreme Court has finally gotten with the times and put an end to Prop 8 and DOMA, I've been wondering something: Will/Do same-sex couples change their last names? Who might take whose surname? Or, would most same-sex couples scoff at such an archaic tradition? Or, might they make new rules by hyphenating both partners' last names, like Mr. and Mr. Bert-Ernie (what are their last names, anyway?!)? My curiosity led me to Google, which had me clicking on this interesting article in The Atlantic. According to the author, same-sex couples are taking their partners' names and tend to have a conversation to decide which partner will change their name. She goes on to describe that gay and lesbian couples have definitely chosen to uphold this old tradition but for very new reasons. Fascinating, no?

Personal factoid: I always imagined I'd take my husband's last name, but had a strict stipulation. Even after countless courses in women's studies and degrees in sociology and repeated indoctrination from academics that wifedom means coverture, and that taking your husband's last name signifies women as property, I was still over the moon to become Mrs. Castillo. I'm more than sure my sociology colleagues raised an eyebrow at my choice to change my name. However, I see sharing a last name as a symbol that Flavio and I are a team. But here's the stipulation: Ever since elementary school, I knew I had to marry someone whose last name started with the letters A, B, or C as being at the front of the alphabet is strangely important to me. Often, assigned classroom seating, your place in the graduation line, etc., is based on your surname and I always saw anything below C as an unacceptable step down. So, when I met Flavio, I was relieved he was Ca-, a step up from my maiden name which starts Cl-. Fate! And I get to keep my monogram, which I like. Plus, it's a sexy last name. If he was Smith, I'd think twice.  (I realize I am totally Crazy.)

Related: According to this HuffPo article, the majority of US women still change their last names after marriage.

Would/Will/Did you change your name? Why/not?

{Photo: The best New Yorker cover ever.}

Weekending

We crammed a lot of work and play into the last four days. After a patriotic breakfast at home on The Fourth, we lounged, then made a vat of our sangria, and headed to a friend's for a backyard barbecue. After too much drinking in the sun (my scalp got burned, dammit!) we were too partied out and dehydrated to even care about staying up for fireworks (I never care, anyway) and we were home and in bed by 10.

{lounging, 4th of July}

{sangria, soaking}

We both worked on Friday (I only have one month left of summer classes!) and Friday evening we enjoyed cocktails poolside at our friends' amazing house. After my boo-hooing on here about not having couple-friends, we all of a sudden met three great couples we love. Maybe there's some truth to the idea that sending requests and specific energy into the universe (or in this case, cyber space) actually does bring you what you want. We met this couple at CrossFit and had an absolutely lovely time at their home. We got into a great midnight, tipsy-in-the-jacuzzi conversation about isolation among peers and how most people 50 and under don't really want to converse or interact. Instead, we're so distracted by technology that we retreat into "iDistraction" to avoid any true human connection, leaving us diminished and alone. I was referencing this New York Times essay, which I think everyone should read. Our friends have this fascinating sociological theory that the recent trend in stark, warehouse, garage-chic, so-loud-you-can't-speak bars and restaurants (think Bar Basic, Blind Lady Ale House in San Diego) are another way people can be out in a "social" setting, crammed together in a public place, but don't have to interact at all. The music is so loud and the acoustics so bad that you truly cannot speak to the person next to you. And most people are busy looking at their phones, anyway. It's all so isolating and strange. What is the world coming to? Anyway, it was a great night full of meaningful interaction and re-affirmed my hope that there are still smart, cool friends to be found.

{hydrangea, kept me company as I worked Friday}

You'll be thrilled to know that much of Saturday was spent cleaning and running errands. Saturday evening we took Guiri to the park. Then she hung out while we enjoyed a light dinner al fresco at Cafe 21 (I highly recommend this farm-to-table restaurant, friends).

{having a ball}

{seafood salad, Cafe 21}

Sunday morning we all slept in and then walked down the street for brunch. Later in the day we packed a picnic and headed to Del Mar for some reading, play and relaxation by the sea. It was a fun and restorative day, even if it was bathed in northern San Diego's warm, grey marine layer. We were home in time for our evening walk and the inland sunset.

{bloody mary, Heights Tavern}

{surfers, Del Mar}

{red fence, yellow house}

{inland sunset}

Don't Work From Bed...and other rules

I started teaching online and have had a few struggles. On Monday I spent the entire morning in bed, in pajamas, with my laptop and had big plans for work, but instead found myself watching cat videos on YouTube with Guiri (this one is adooorable! and this one is in French!), then napped, and then painted my nails. To make up for all that lost time, I ended up working late into the night on Monday. Yesterday was better, but still distracted. I had my morning classes at SDSU, which forced me to get up and get dressed, but then I came home to work on my online class and instead spent a significant amount of time checking and re-checking the 2 Evil Fs (Facebook and the Fridge.) Again, up past midnight finishing work after a less-than-productive afternoon.  I need structure. Time to set some ground rules for working from home:

Don't Work From Bed
I'm a big believer in only using the bed for sleep, romance and sometimes reading - we don't have a TV in our room for that reason. So, not sure why I thought it was okay to work in bed, but no more.

Take a Shower/Get Dressed Up/Put on Makeup
I did this today and was waaay more productive. I think my brain needs a shower to wake up, and when you look the part, you get more done.

Create an "Office"
I made an office out of our kitchen table, complete with cheery flowers, a note pad, and some freshly sharpened #2 pencils. Is anything more blissfully nostalgic than classic #2 pencils? I think not.

Also, I had lunch and breaks away from this space, so I could have some distinction.

Set Work Hours/Deadlines and Stick to Them
I set a lunch hour for myself, and regular working hours. During working hours, no social media, no obsessive fridge-checking. Work only. I made a to-do list and deadlines, so I could get everything done on time.

I followed these rules today and had a productive and enjoyable day. Turns out, teaching online is kinda fun, and creative in a different way. I got all my work done by 4, which meant I got to take my baby girl to the beach. Working from home isn't so bad.

A Lady at Trader Joe's

The 30-year-old+ San Diego ladies have gone from the ubiquitous blonde hair extensions, fake boobs and acrylic nails to a whole newfangled creature walking around with all the aforementioned fakey-ness, but now with botoxed foreheads, eyelash extensions, orange spray tans, overly bleached teeth and Meg Ryan's trout pout. Is this happening other places besides SoCal? Things here are getting out of control. I noticed one of these plastic, middle-aged ladies today while standing in line at Trader Joe's, and while I'm not judging - to each her own! - I'd like to make a social commentary on our craze for ageless beauty.

I know. Women age and our society doesn't accept it. Women are expected to meet a standard of beauty and when they don't, they're ignored. Women who've been told they're beautiful their whole lives are looking to keep the validation going as they age, or else become invisible. And other women who believe the barrage of media messages that say they are not beautiful enough are paying plastic surgeons and med spas so they might be lusted after now. We're bombarded with images every day that say your beauty is your self worth. And I don't know a single woman who doesn't want to be told they look younger than they are, or that they're beautiful and sexy. So I am not judging anyone. And I wear makeup and paint my nails and dye my hair and want to look youthful and pretty, too. So I too am in the trap. No mockery.

But message to the ladies desperately trying to look young: We're all aging; you're not fooling anyone with your botoxed domes and juvedermed lips. As comedian Bill Burr points out - you don't look younger with plastic surgery. You just look weird.

I remember an old Oprah episode where Raquel Welch was talking about aging 'gracefully'. She compared women aging gracefully to a game, and said women either choose to play the game i.e.,  they work hard to look good as they age/they don't just "sit around and do nothing" about aging. OR, they bow out of the game and completely give up on their looks, becoming what she calls a "spectator." Ouch - spectator to me indicates someone on the sidelines, someone invisible.

But ladies, are these our only two options? Play the game of ageless beauty with nips and tucks or become an invisible spectator? Can we at least look at the messages we women are sending and living? While I think maintaining your health and feeling good about yourself are key at every age, I think we need to champion a new cultural narrative -- one that tells women, especially young girls, that what matters is their minds, their role in society, and the beautiful wisdom they gain as they age. Ladies, our value increases as we age.

We spent last week with my parents, two fun-loving baby boomers who've been married for half a century and who have some great tales to tell.  In talking with them and hearing their stories,  I am reminded why aging is so cool. You get to mess up, and learn, and make come-backs, and teach others, and in the process, gain a ton of wisdom that seems to make all the ups and downs of life worth it. You have a story to tell, accomplishments to share, resiliency others can model, and you can use your time on earth to do some really amazing things.

Trader Joe's lady: Who do you think you're kidding? We can see that you're in your 40s, trying to look like you're in your 20s. It's a losing battle. I don't know you, but I wonder if you've acknowledged this game you're buying into, or the messages you're sending and living. I hope your life is happy and meaningful. I hope you've taught the littles around you that how you spend your time here matters and that it really is the inside of a person that counts. And an inside with some wisdom, a legacy, and a good story to tell, topped off with some well-deserved laugh lines is absolutely beautiful.

Why Get Married?

Did you read this fascinating op-ed in the New York Times? It explains that 80% of people in the United States will marry at some point in their lives, but the reasons for marriage are different than they were in the past. According to the sociologist author, people in the United States are marrying as a status symbol. The author writes,

"It is something young adults do after they and their live-in partners have good jobs and a nice apartment. It has become the capstone experience of personal life...People marry to show their family and friends how well their lives are going...[Marriage] remains an important part of American life -- not in its older role as the first step into adulthood, but in its newer role as the last step one takes after becoming an adult in almost all other respects."

The author goes on to describe widening US wealth inequality and how this affects the demographics of marriage and specifically of childbearing. Unsurprisingly, college educated Americans are getting married after earning at least one degree, they have children within marriage, and their marriages last longer.

In contrast, he writes:  "Non-college-educated adults seem to treat reproduction as mandatory or at least axiomatic, and marriage as more of an optional add-on. Most do eventually marry, although not necessarily to the person they had their first child with."

So tonight, I read the essay to Flavio and asked him why he thinks we chose to marry. His answer:

"Because I love you and you are my family, and I want everyone, including the state, to recognize that. If someone is in the hospital, it's sometimes only family who can see the patient. I'd never want anyone to tell me you're not my family. And if we have to get a piece of paper from the state that says to everyone that you are my family and that we are a team, then that's what I want. We're a team for life." :')

Interestingly, marriage seems to have had positive professional consequences for Flavio. His (married) bosses often ask him about married life and when we'll be having kids. Marriage is a common topic of unity and conversation between Flavio and his superiors. I'm not sure if there's a correlation but he's been promoted twice since we got married. Of course, we all know the discouraging stats that show that married women are still less likely to be promoted and earn less than married men.

We both feel getting married initiates you into a different social group - both professionally and personally. Flavio and I were together for more than a decade before we got married, and neither of us imagined anything would feel any different after marriage. But you know what? Things feel different after marriage - not between us, but in the way people treat us. I can absolutely feel that people take my relationship more seriously when I say my husband as opposed to my boyfriend, even if we were just as committed to each other pre-marriage. Also, a boundary is defined when you're married. Our families of origin seemed to step back and respect the privacy of our relationship, our decisions as a couple and seem less worried about us individuals. And of course there are tax, health insurance and other federal benefits. In our overall experience, most people, including the government, treat you differently after marriage.

For most, marriage is still the ultimate social goal in the United States, and according to the op-ed, now seems to be a status symbol and class marker. You're expected to marry. And just as I don't think parenthood should be expected of everyone, I don't think marriage should be socially expected, either. It is an option, and one that should be available to ALL citizens, but not required of all, nor a social determiner of the legitimacy of your relationship. As Kim Kardashian and others have proven, a marriage contract does not a legitimate relationship make. So, while marriage affords some social benefits, it is the loving, respectful union between two people that is the real gift.

Gripes, be gone!

This meme, GO 24 HOURS WITHOUT COMPLAINING, has been floating around Facebook. Seemed like a worthy challenge, especially during my first week back at work after spring break. As of yesterday at 3:ooPM , I have not uttered a single complaint. And guess what? It has been awesome. When I get the urge to gripe about something, like how tired I am, or how sore I am from CrossFit ;), I keep my mouth shut and redirect the conversation to something positive and uplifting. Here's what I've realized: I complain a lot (ha! :), not complaining leads to happier conversations I might not have had otherwise, and when you don't complain you forget all about the complaint 5 seconds later. In sociology we teach that perspective is everything. When you change your words, you change your perspective. It's powerful! I seriously had a much cheerier outlook today. I'm feeling liberated and inspired to keep the non-complaining going. Wanna join me? :)

On Being Busy

Yesterday morning my friend posted this NY Times essay, The 'Busy' Trap, on her Facebook page.

The timing couldn't have been better. As spring break comes to an end, I've been anxious and my mind's been racing: There are student letters of recommendation to write, colleagues to email, lessons to plan, papers to grade. I haven't done enough this week! I feel guilty writing in my blog right now - there is laundry to fold, appointments to make. Flavio is working this Saturday, which makes me feel like I should be "doing my part", working on all those teaching tasks, and getting stuff done around the house - contributing. My husband never makes me feel like I should be doing more. Instead, he's always telling me to slow down, relax and enjoy my break. But part of me can't help but feel guilty when I'm not busy. There's the trap: I hate being busy, but feel bad if I'm not.

This last part of The 'Busy' Trap resonates, 

"I did make a conscious decision, a long time ago, to choose time over money, since I’ve always understood that the best investment of my limited time on earth was to spend it with people I love. I suppose it’s possible I’ll lie on my deathbed regretting that I didn’t work harder and say everything I had to say, but I think what I’ll really wish is that I could have one more beer with Chris, another long talk with Megan, one last good hard laugh with Boyd. Life is too short to be busy."

I made a conscious decision to pursue teaching so I too could choose time over money. As I wrote in this post, teaching mostly lets me stay out of the busy trap. It's a seasonal business, which allows for an off-season of idleness where I get to take long walks, drink wine with lunch, daydream and stargaze. This spring break has been languid and lazy. And after reading Kreider's fantastic essay, I am going to make a conscious choice to keep most of the upcoming weekend unstructured and idle, and instead of feeling guilty, focus my energy on the present, and the necessary space a weekend brings. I have some fun plans ahead - like a beer festival tonight, dog beach with our neighbor, drinks with some new friends, Sunday brunch. But for the rest of the time I'll be totally relaxing, not trapped, but free. :)

Happy weekend. xo

{Image by Brecht Vandenbroucke from The 'Busy' Trap}

Toys and Tots

Italian Photographer Gabriele Galimberti's photo essay Toy Stories is just so touching. In it, children all over the world show off their most prized possessions - their toys. Galimberti traveled the world for 18 months, photographing children from every walk of life. Her conclusion: "They are pretty much all the same; they just want to play." I find myself coming back to her website to analyze the pictures and to read her words and each time I do, I get misty-eyed. The sociology is fascinating, and the sentiment is heart-warming.

Wishing you lots of play this weekend.

{Tangawizi in Kenya}

{Julia in Albania}

{Norden in Morocco}

{Stella in Italy}

{Chiwa in Malawi}

{Virginia in Utah}

{Botlhe in Botswana}

{Ragnar in Iceland}

There are so many great pictures on her website; I had a hard time deciding which ones to include. See the full series here. 

A Tip for Happiness

I have a declaration: Teaching at the Navy Base is hard. Without going into detail, it's just a very different population than I'm used to, and after last week, I wanted to buy these pencils in bulk.

Besides upping my wine intake, doing more Pilates, and taking nightly bubble baths, I've been on the lookout for other ways to increase happiness. I remembered the Happy documentary, which says research reveals that one way to increase happiness is to keep a gratitude journal. It says even the small act of noting three things for which you're grateful can substantially boost happiness. I've taken that idea and spinned it a bit: Each night, instead of journaling, Flavio and I lie in bed and ask each other: "What's the best thing that happened today?" Or, "What are some things you're grateful for today?" And you know what? This pillow talk helps! I find myself looking for things to be grateful for during the day, concentrating on the good instead of the bad. So, ask yourself: What are three things you're grateful for today? I'd say:

1. Taking Guiri to play with her best friend, Poppy. No matter what the work day was like, you can't feel sad watching puppies play.
2. Hanging in the kitchen drinking wine while Flavio makes dinner.
3. Whispering in bed before falling asleep.